Pope's Condition Worsens, Terri Schiavo passes

I was born with a handicap. My tongue at birth was planted firmly in my cheek. So it is very hard for me to be serious without also trying to make someone laugh. Sometimes that gets me in trouble. Sometimes it just sends me to a lower level in hell. So with all the hysteria over Terri Schiavo, I used her condition as a punchline. Jokes about my cortex being liquified to asking how do I get a feeding tube inserted, because I'm too lazy to make breakfast gets me a lot boos and heckles. But hey what can I say, I'm an equal opportunity offender.

One of my goto jokes has been using the feeding tube joke for other people. You know, what they should do with Michael Jackson? Give him a feeding tube and then pull it. Same for the Pope. Uh... wait... THEY DID GIVE HIM A FEEDING TUBE! Man the irony there. That's when I knew that my place in hell is already for me. And no "wheeled angel" can come to my rescue this time!

And now the Pope's condition is worsening. He has received his last rites. And he's ready to tell the Lord about my recent remarks. All I have to say is, if we can prove that the KGB ordered the hit on the Pope in '81. I'm all for a surgical strike at the Kremlin. We friends now?

• Pope's condition worsens
• Terri Dies... But Not the Debate
• 5 Year Old gripping 911 call. Heard this on Howard Stern this morning. Gripping. Sad. No 5 year old should ever have to find their parents murdered. I hope this kid ends up ALL Right
• KGB may have helped plan Assassination Attempt on Pope.
• Pope May Need a Feeding Tube